The Rumination Rooms: Beginnings

Having gone through, or maybe still going through, the absolute worst breakup in the history of ever... (But seriously, it's pretty bad, even most of my most naturally miserable friends agree that this is unusually bad, however, I digress.)

I've complied a list of things to try to help me remember how to be a whole person. One day I may expand it into something more, but for now, here they are as they are, because it would be a shame if I was the only person they benefited.

1. Take only what you need.

2. Give only what you won’t miss.

3. Be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you are to your best friend. If you don’t have one, be the best friend you always wished you had to yourself.

4. Always aim to be a better person than you are currently. Who you are can always be improved, and while being yourself is important, try to be the best version. When you succeed at that, try to be even better than before. Grow as a person. It is essential.

5. Learn how and when to say no. (When you really do need a weekend at home to recharge your batteries, don't agree to help someone move.)

6. Learn how and when to say yes. (When you really don't need another weekend staying home and playing video games, offer to help your friend move.)

7. Remember that your time has value too, and it is more valuable than currency. You can earn more money, but you can't earn more time.

8. Work, and learn how to take pride in your accomplishments. Even the small ones. Making your bed in the morning is not meaningless because it feels great to get into a made bed at the end of a long day.

Beautifully folded towels are strangely satisfying.

9. Play, and learn how to not feel guilty about it. Play like a kid. Aim for free, fun, explorations and discoveries, imagination, and laughter.

10. Try to balance these two things so you have the freedom to do both.

11. Give yourself a break. From work, from play, from feeling bad. It is okay to laugh if you read a funny joke when you are sad, it is not a betrayal of self or of your feelings. And if you mess up, forgive yourself and aim to do better next time.

12. Grieving lost people or things is fine, but wallowing is not. It's really not the end of the world, but it's okay to let yourself feel like it is, but only for about three weeks or so. There are so many amazing things to see and do, people to meet, places to go. If your loved one has died, they'd want you to live. If it's the loss of a relationship, well, sometimes that's permanent, but sometimes it isn't, and if you're not in a good place, you'll miss all the opportunities.

13. Do what you love. Try to make a living off of it if you're very good at what you love. Give it your all. If it doesn't work out, though, try something else and do what you love in your spare time. (I don't expect to make a living off writing, but I happen to have a lot of spare time right now to devote to trying, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.)

14. Take some time to exercise your imagination. Read. Write. Watch a movie. Sit and daydream. It's important. Trust me on this one.

Somewhere out there, this exists. Imagination can take you there.

15. Apply your imagination before you make any major decisions. That's why it's important. This is your life. Of course there will be unforeseen circumstances, but there will be less of them if you try to figure out what some of them might be.

16. Determine and prepare for the worst possible outcome, as well as the best. What happens will usually fall somewhere in-between. If you are prepared for the worst, you can handle anything minor that might go wrong. Getting stuck on one or the other will hold you back and disappoint you, so don't invest too much time into thinking either is going to happen, but prepare for the worst and hope for the best and your life will often fall into a good place.

17. Don’t dwell on the worst-case scenario, prepare for it. Then you don’t need to dwell.

18. Learn how to manage your money, stick to a budget, and have fun within your budget. Debt is no fun, so try not to get into any more than you really need to or will be able to repay.

19. Be grateful for what you have, and set goals to obtain what you want. Instead of playing CoD for the umpteenth time, brush up that resume and apply to jobs for an hour every day if you're not happy with where you're working. Do it before you hit your breaking point. You can still play CoD after that hour if that's your thing.

20. Learn something new every day. (I'm learning Dutch on LiveMocha. Would recommend.)

21. Be kind to everyone, but don’t spend much time on those who are not kind in return.

22. Do not assume everyone has the best of intentions for your life, and do not assume they have the worst. Mostly, people are concerned primarily with themselves. They may intentionally or accidentally step on your life to try improving their own. Don't let them.

23. Do assume everyone has the best of intentions for their own life, but they might not agree with you on what's best. Or how to get where they need to be. Nobody really wants to be a drug addict. Nobody thinks that's what's going to happen when they take their first hit. Nobody wants to get into bad relationships. But sometimes, they do, and then don't want to acknowledge their own part in it. Sometimes, you have to just let people make their mistakes and learn from it in their own time.

You know what they say...

24. If you’re not able to share something, don’t flaunt it around people who don’t have it. This includes but is not limited to; money, time, and your love life.

25. But don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for sharing it with them, even it they want you to feel guilty.

26. Try not to resent those who have what you do not, especially if they share it with you, but if you do, don’t show it. Use it as motivation to improve your own life. And be grateful for what is shared, because they don't have to.

27. Ask for what you want. The worst people can say is no and you won’t have it, just like you won’t have it if you never ask.

28. Don’t automatically assume people are trying to take advantage of you deliberately. People can’t read minds, are inherently self-centred, and are going to be unaware they are putting you out if you try to hide it. Consideration goes both ways, and you can avoid a lot of conflict if you remember to assert yourself before you get angry.

29. Be honest. Be honest with yourself most of all. If you don't know how you feel or what you think, take some time to figure that out before you act.

30. Nobody is perfect, not even you. Forgive them, and forgive yourself, but make sure to ask that they and you do better next time. We all deserve a second chance.

31. Don’t give anyone outside of your family more than three chances if you have remembered to assert yourself each time.

32. Give yourself all the chances you need. You're the only one that has to spend all day every day with you. This is the most important relationship with anyone you will ever have, treat it as such.

Best be good with who you see in one of these.

33. Try to be consistent. You cannot blame people for not knowing what you need if you don’t know either.

34. If you make a mistake, apologize. Apologize to yourself if you need to.

35. Give people a chance to cool off when they’re upset. Emotional decisions are rarely good decisions, and if you let people cool off before you force them into any, life will be easier. Do this for yourself too, insofar as you can.

36. Respect the boundaries of other people, as you want your boundaries respected. And have some boundaries. If you don't, you will be a doormat, and you will be unhappy. It's fine to be easy-going and accommodating, but it's not fine to do things that hurt yourself so you can preserve who you think you are.

37. Recognize that these boundaries may not be the same. Some people are touchy-feely, others are not. Some people think it's just fine to have their friends walk into their homes unannounced, others would really prefer you call and set up an appointment to respect their time. When in doubt, ask.

Within reason. Not everyone is into BDSM.

38. Enforce your boundaries, but only be harsh if you've tried asking nicely and explaining your reasoning already. Most people won't think to ask.

39. You need to be harsh to enforce your boundaries if being kind doesn't work. If you can't do that, you can't be happy.

40. People will gravitate to you if you follow these rules. Not all of them will be good. Some will seek guidance, others will seek to exploit.

41. Be cautious about how much you offer for the above reasons, but be as generous as you can afford to be. What that means is up to you, but don't short-change yourself so someone else can live like a king while you flounder for their scraps.

42. Your boundaries and your body should be treated like they are sacred, by you, and by those close to you. If they can't do that after you've asked, they shouldn't be allowed close.

43. There are exceptions to every rule, even this one, and particularly that last one. Forgiveness should be granted to the elderly, small children, animals, and yourself. And sometimes, a strong shot of whiskey will get you through things nothing else can. Just don't do it every day. If it's that bad, see below.

44. See a doctor or therapist if something hurts and you and the people around you (or a single shot of whiskey) can’t fix it. This is the exception to the last rule, and the only rule without an exception. Nobody should have to suffer needlessly.

You might think the post title a pun based on the blog title, but I live in a tiny house, and the roof really is leaking.

Funnily enough, it's an appropriate representation of my entire life right now though.

As an introduction:

I find myself at a cross-roads.

Certain health troubles have me currently unemployed and living on social assistance. I've recently gotten out of a long-term, long-distance relationship and there are residual feelings and issues to work out. I'm in the process of finally going for child support for my daughter, six years since I got out of the abusive relationship with her father. (He hasn't tried to maintain any contact with her, though he messages me once in a blue moon trying to hook up.)

I don't even know

I come from a dysfunctional family, my mother is also a single mother. She can be difficult to deal with, not least because she has narcissistic tendencies and probably stopped maturing emotionally at about the age of thirteen, though I've finally gotten to a point within my own life where I can deal with that a little easier. I have a full brother who is nearly a decade younger than myself. He's now an adult as well, though barely, and he's had some run-ins with the law, and was sexually abused by an older boy as a child. My father has never really been involved in our lives, save to occasionally drop by unannounced. My mother put up with him for years, partially, I think, out of her extreme fear of being alone.

As you can probably imagine by this point, I did not come through unscathed.

Mental illness runs rampant throughout both sides of my family. My brother and I both have diagnosed Bipolar. As I'm stable and medicated, I prefer to keep it as much to the sidelines as possible. I'm actually doing quite well with it, though my brother is not yet. My mother probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, but refuses to acknowledge that there's anything wrong with her. This blog may touch on that, but it won't be the sole focus.

Right now, things in my own life are fairly hectic. I'm trying to find some real focus in my life. And despite the roofer having shown up and gone since I started this blog and post, the roof is still leaking... But I'm in the process of getting it fixed. Same with my life.

Tomorrow is a new day. Today, I've cleaned house, dealt with an unexpected visit from my mother, played with my daughter, made some extremely cheap meals to stretch the money we get, got an IM from my ex, and have started this blog.

Perhaps it's not much, but it's something. And maybe, in time, it will become something bigger. But I have no idea what yet. Hopefully something better than this crap. Not sure if I'm talking about the blog or my life any more.

So it goes. Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my life. I hope we'll find it useful, entertaining, or at least distracting from whatever troubles us.